Stop it, now.

    It was another school day
a day she dreaded
     a day full of torture and pain.

She put on her shorts, her adored faded shorts that no longer fit.
    They fell straight to the ground. 10x too big.
She got her belt and put another notch in  it, maybe today it would fit.

She fit it around her waist and tightens it until her baggy shorts don't fall.

She looks in the mirror and she is disgusted by what she comes face to face with. This gruesome creature staring back at her. 

-- How did I let it get this far...how did I let myself get so fat...so ugly....so wrong. 

  Oh yeah... middle school.
  -----------------------------------------Flashback-------------------------------------------------------

          The teenage boy walks up to the girl; he is a handsome shaggy, sandy-haired boy, only about 13. He's got some swag in his step,  a smirk tilted on on his face, the smooth look in his crystal blue eyes says he knows he's going to get the girl; he always does.
          He taps the small red pixie haired girl on the shoulder. 
   The pixie haired girl is  12 and has had to deal with hypothyroidism  and displaced hips. This girl is a warrior and not your typical beauty. She's like an egg, a strong outer shell protecting her inner weakness, if the delicate egg is dropped, it shatters and the inner contents is destroyed. This sweet girl only wants to be loved.
         When she turned, she came face to face with the boy of her dreams, the boy she always wanted but could never have. As far as she knew this boy was the love of her life. -- she let out a slight gasp and a giddy smile graced her face

 "H-hi..."
 " Um hey, 'sup?"

His friends where behind him cackling like hyenas.
   Their friend was going to "get some."

She was a nervous wreck. He was about to make a move... he wasn't nervous, he knew every girl in the school wanted to be with him;

"Do you... Idunno...wanna go out with me sometime?" 

her fragile heart skipped into her throat-- he really just asked her the question she'd been burning to hear.. answer, answer! and just like vomit the words spewed out, "Yes! I would love to!" 

It was seriously the most amazing moment in her life. A billion Mexican jumping beans were dancing around in her stomach, his palms were sweating producing more liquid than Niagara Falls.  They swapped numbers, they had that golden ticket and they even parted with an awkward hug; and even though he went back over to his friends and got knuckle touches and high fives from all of them there was a genuine meaning behind it all.
================  ================  ===============   ================  =====
      The night of the date the young pixie haired girl got ready, her older sister did her makeup and helped her get dressed, she chose her prettiest green dress to make her eyes pop and a brown leather jacket to keep her small frame warm. Her little flats completed the outfit and she looked into the mirror with a glow about her. She had never felt so beautiful, like a blossoming rose, so elegant and pure. She thanked her sister and soon the door bell rang.
    The shaggy haired boy had gotten fresh himself, with some skinny jeans and a new button down. He puts on his Vans and sprays on some Axe. He looked in the mirror with a cocky grin, yeah... he looked good. His mom took him over to the young girl's home and he walked up the path to her front door. He rang the door bell and came face to face with the pixie haired girl.
She looked awesome.
The night was a memorable one, sure it was more awkward than anything and they hardly talked, but there was something special. Between the lights of the carnival and the swaying melody of the music a sweet goodnight kiss was inevitable.
        They dated the remainder of seventh grade, still that shy couple though. They held hands, talked to one another, a small kiss here and there. They were a cute little couple, taking things easy and being the best of friends.
Little did anyone know the hell that would become.
 During eighth grade she stopped dance and he started football and lacrosse. She was more of an introvert and he was an extrovert, even more so now than he was in the beginning. After his parents divorced he searched for validation in all the wrong places. He couldn't see the good in the beautiful girl in front of him, and she couldn't see the good in herself either. After she stopped dancing and she started developing, a curvier figure came about. He would throw out words like, "Fat" and "lazy" they cut through her self confidence like a knife.

She couldn't eat in front of him, he became short with her, they never kissed or touched or had any connection anymore. Did they ever? It's the second half of ninth grade and things are falling down and fast. She walked to his house and into his room like she has many times before, this time she got the shock of her life;
    
  "You son of a b****! How dare you!!"

"It's not as if you and your prude self would ever put out."

"So you go and cheat on me with the likes of her!"

She was livid. How could the guy she put so much work and effort into staying together with end up breaking her heart? Not only breaking her heart but cheating on her with the floozy blonde harlot in his bed.
She ran, ran out of his house, out of the neighborhood, and into her hell.

The volcano ruptured, the cat was out of the bag, and they were done.
   Her heart was broken, he had been her first love.
      She headed home
Her heart felt like it was ripped open and bleeding within her, she couldn't bare this pain, she hated herself, her life, and everything about it.
   
she   grabbed    the    razor

m a d e 
     t h e
f  i r s t      C  u  T


That was only the start, that was just the tip of the iceberg. The poor little girl with the bright eyes and pixie haircut began to fade.

First with cutting
=================   ==================   =============  ==================   = It only got worse. Much much worse.

During her junior year she changed, not only personality but looks, not only looks but personality.  The little girl with the bright eyes and pixie red haircut turned in to the smokey eyed girl withe the pixie brown haircut who loved to party.

A party is what caused the end of her world.

The night started out like any other. She did her hair to her liking, her makeup too. She looked in the mirror and grimaced at the scars and pile of lard looking back at her, she hadn't eaten in weeks yet in her mind she saw the most gruesome looking creature staring back. She walked to the bathroom and shoved the fork down her throat causing herself to puke anything her already too small stomach had inside. Once she was as good as empty she put on her (XS) dress and it flowed from her body.

She went to the party with her friend, the two girls danced and listened to the music, bumming cigg from some cute looking guys. The girls talked with these boys, shared a laugh, and the pixie haired girl didn't think much of it when one of the three guys offered her a drink. It was against her better judgment and soon it would be the next tragedy in her life.

R a p e

three bastards who drugged her drink, broke her virtue, and pissed on her hopes and dreams like common animals.

She only remembers waking up in a park, behind the dumpster, naked and alone. The fragile egg had been dropped, broken, and stepped all over.
Thank goodness for someone having a heart. A young woman was the one to see her first, she saw young girl giving up on life right in front of her, she couldn't let that happen. The young woman called 9-1-1 and got the young girl help.


"What a slut"

"Whore"

"She's like a walking STD"

"She's knocked up"

Those echoed forever.

six words

Who am I? Why even bother.

Help me I'm falling, in love.

Beautiful, fly away, never fade. Farewell.

Pain, its strength, but painful. Oy.

Jude is 2 years old.

 Look at that ball, it's bright red bouncy ball!!
    m'gonna get it! WAIT!! Quit moving... oh... hey "No! Mine." She took my ball, my shiny red ball.
M'just gonna give up on life now. Plop down on my squishy clothed butt and be mad at the world cause I didn't get my shiny red ball.
O hey look, there's mommy, she has food!! "Mamamamamamama food pease!!" she is the best! Cookies and juice, that's just the bees knees! Weeeeeeeee drinkin' all that juice gettin' cookies all over mah fa-ace!
No no no no don't. Use. That. Torture. Device! "Boo. No cloth.. no cleaning." My face is finee mother! Not another layer of skinnnnnnnnn.
                   Hmph. I think I may just sleep now. Comfy mommy warmth.

A child will show you love forever, there may be a time they fail to convey their love, but deep in the core of their heart they love you.

I Am

I was a broken and scratched disk, damaged goods

I remember the needles in my arm standing at attention fueling me up so I wouldn't break down.

I heard those unholy words, scary words, words one should never hear; Leukemia 

I saw those scans, the determining factor, the one thing they didn't want me to see.

I worried if I would ever have a future or someone who loved me.

I thought I was headed for six feat under

But I want change.

I am an opptimistic, outgoing, intellegent old soul who wont ever stop believing in the good of the world.

I think everyone deserves a chance or two, they all deserve happiness

I need make others happy, to make them feel beautiful, and to help them be positive

I try to find the extraordinary in everyday ordinary 

I feel a fire of desire has ignited within me, wanting to set the world of change ablaze

I forgive the breaks of the fast and easily fill them with chunky peanut butter

Now I can change.

I will be a go getter, a loving friend, an amazing partner, and an even better hugger

I choose to lead my life with optimism verses a pessimistic outlook.

I dream to be happy, to be a mother, to be the caring soul one can come home to.

I hope to change the world, if not the world a person, if not a person, a day.

I predict taking over the Big Apple, having a bite and savoring the sweet. Carpe Diem 

I know I can be the girl with tattoos, a pinup look, a photographic mind, and a spirited outlook that can be a mother, wife, teacher, artist, and anything I put my mind to. I can be me without having to give up anything or anyone within that process. Today and forever more I choose to be the tiny girl with the big eyes and the caring heart who never stops wanting to tend to others.

I will change.

We Are Who We Are

 

Leave the shackles behind

No more judgement or critique

Just freedom to be, who you want to be.

Lying

cheating

....

Don't lie to yourself

Don't cheat yourself

Be who you are.

We are meant to be ourselves

no one person the same.

I shall be me

as you are you.

To be a mother (DYT it)

  Mommy

  Mom

  Mother

  Mama

  Momma

  Ima

  Mimi

Those are just a few of the names to say, a woman who has brought me in and up in this crazy world.

  A mother can be your best friend

or you worst enemy

she will always teach you wrong from right

Some lessons may be  hard, but she will   guide you.

A Mommy is not merely someone who gives birth

No.

A Mommy rocks you to sleep, kisses your boo boos, and cuts the crust off your sandwich.

She is a lady who's scent is home

There is never something she doesn't know.

Mommy reminds you of the good things in life. 

Momma is the soul she is the home.

Momma knows how to make a good meal

She makes every day fun.

As long as you don't do anything bad,  Momma thinks your're number one.

She'll love you forever, maybe not your attitude, but you're her star.

A mother is a woman who teaches you what you need to know to stay happy and level in this hellacious place we call life. She knows exactly the best things to say to put a smile onto your face. Mommy is SuperWoman, juggling thirty things at one time.

Te Amo Mama, Te Amo mucho.

Something I Love.

   Love.... L-O-V-E 
   a four letter word that contains so much meaning.
   You..... Y-O-U 
   how three little letters can make a word that make a phenomenal person astounds me.

Why must a mile...or 840 separate us

Two perfect creatures made for each other

Two souls intertwined and blended together

But 840 miles, it's way to far.

I love you 

I hate miles

You are my gem, you are my jewel, you are the blood rushing through my veins.

To be with you forever is more than I can contain.

Honey bare with me

we shall make it through

Third time is a charm

until we say

I Do

The most amazingly bad poem. (Jan. 22, 2013)

I am sick.

I feel icky and unwell

the pounding in my head hurts me so.

Today I shall sleep

Catch some zzzs

and possibly

by some stroke of fate

I may feel better.

Yawn.

Creative writing assignment #1 (Jan.15,2013)

My inner poet is a young calf standing up and taking it's first steps. Shaky and unsure, weak and determined, so pure and untainted and undisturbed by the pains of life. My inner poet feels as though there is a blank canvass and every type of medium to adhere to it. There is a thirst for inspiration and knowledge that knows no bounds and never quenches. My Poet will forever be free, falling into the deep hole leading to Alice's (Or Ally's) Wonderland.